As far as I've gone I am running in place. Oh I see this reality and I'll raise you a dream. I am broke beyond repair and screwed up to boot. Do not hold me, do not trust me. I deserve this escape I say in my head...oh it would all be easier if I'd just shut down and shut out. But a God is not silent and I am pulled along kicking and screaming. I want to give in, I want to cave into my cravings. I am like a bullet tailing off just to miss it's mark. And now I breath the air and see the sights, once so focused now so aimless. I wish I could understand this, but I keep marching on dispite my need for a medic. Oh I'm such a good little souljer doing what I'm told without a question. I sware I never missed a thing until now, and now I feel as if I couldn't do a damn thing right. So why do I fight when I keep losing the crutches that aid. I have made that which fades to be what I crave. I don't see a future if I can't give up this game. They all deserve all of me, but here I stand devided and un decided. God you're the constant and she's the con. Why do I want to win what can't be won? I am horrible to demote this beauty into an action, to make this blessing a just another part. What is my god now? I feel so alone when I know I've missed the point.

The Twinkling Night Sky.

(In the midst of the rain above my head I wrote with a heavy heart of the uncertainty of my life.)

(11/12/2010/2:24pm/@Starbucks at 51^st and Harvard)

 

When all that I am flat lines will you find me where I am? In the shallows of the mud and the depths of the sea, right after I scuttled all hope, will you find me where I am? When I refuse to hold my own, and I am as trust worthy as a thief with nothing to lose…will you find me where I am? Because where I am is cold and it is lonely. Because where I am is broken and angry, shallow and heavy.  Because I crave to be whole, because I crave to be all the things that bring smiles to your face. Oh it’s been a long time since I let myself see the night’s sky in this storm wrapped cloud. Will you, oh will you…be there when I’m a freak? Be there when I’m weak? Oh will you be when I reek of the life I chose to live outside of your love? It’s clear enough to me that I’m a fool; yeah it’s clear that I fear. Clear like the sky above my head when I thinking of you, believing in you. Because homeless I am, I came and homeless I will, I’ll go. You make it easy to see the stars twinkle in the night’s sky of my darkest hours. With no roof above my head blocking my view of the way you love me, yeah you took it all. I am reminded that the stars are the twinkle in your eyes when you’re staring at me, thinking of me, wanting me. It reminds me that you found me, that you chose me, that you got me.  And as I cry into the night holding my chains of the day, I will hold my head up high in the twinkling night sky and whisper “when all flat lines will you find me where I am, will you come get me where I am, will you save me where I am?” 

I do try to forget you, but for some odd reason I am always here hoping that you'll come back. As if I wait for part of me to be returned and until then I am not whole. I do not get it, it shouldn't have been like this, but that's it. I am still waiting for you, still praying for you, and still wanting you. And like a sad sappy love story I wait around the places we use to in hope of catching you thinking as we did. which is funny because I have every ability to say this to you, but I refuse. I guess fear never does change, no matter how much time does. we were children then, and yet I still feel like a child wishing on a star, wondering where you are. I stare off into the moon, because it's the closest I can feel to you; For it watches over you like I wish I could do.